My last tango memory before the pandemic was the poem Sin Palabras I wrote on 3 February 2020 – the night before I left Buenos Aries after three years away since having moved back to Europe. Little did I know that, by the time I returned to Switzerland, life was turned upside down and everything tango froze right there right then.
Soon enough, like everything else, tango went online – courses, talks, fora, roundtables, and shared memories filled with nostalgia. It seemed that the global tango community had collectively exhibited a high level of resilience to keep up the spirit and, perhaps, to encourage each other not to give up in the middle of the disruption. To my surprise, I felt reluctant and eventually made the conscious choice not to sign up for these activities because – secretly – I felt deeply relieved … from tango.
It was as though that, finally, I could afford no excuse but to sleep well, eat well, meditate well; to relax, reflect, and recharge at my own pace; and to live a healthier life without emotional obsession and physical exhaustion. The nights after nights staying up late, weeks after weeks running from one marathon to another, months after months longing for the summer bliss down south, and years after years not being able to overcome the fear of “missing out”, seemed all gone overnight. I felt unapologetically free – free from the self-enslaving, the disillusion of joy, and the deception of a good life of happy dancing…
Then suddenly one day, tango revived. The long-lost excitement to dress up and get on the dance floor, the all-too-familiar melody of sentiments and melancholies, and the heart-warming connections with another sensitive soul, all came back just like that. Alongside the overwhelmingly beautiful sensations, resurfaced too the tango scars that have been accumulating over the years, that somehow have never been properly processed, that still hurt so much across time and space, and that revealed the deepest vulnerabilities of ourselves…
Why is it so difficult to heal the tango scars? What is it that trapped us in resentment, indignation, grudge, and grievance? How can we forget, forgive, let go, and ultimately, reconcile with ourselves? Why did I feel relieved in the past two and half years? Was it because, at least partially, of my inability of coping with all that emotional baggage? Is it healthy though to avoid confronting with our own vulnerabilities – the fear of being judged, classified, labelled, excluded, or worst of all, rejected? What are the more constructive approaches to access the true emotional freedom?
Recognition of our feelings is probably the first step. Feel the pain, acknowledge that it is hurtful, accept the damage it made, be mindful of the distress it caused, encounter the discomfort it brought, and go through that painful process one last time. Ask ourselves the obvious question: “Do I really wish to keep the pain inside of me for the rest of my life, or do I rather release it and move on?”.
The answers to simple questions are usually more complex. Respecting the limits as well as the demons of ourselves (and of our partners) is therefore important. Ask ourselves honestly: “Did I feel hurt because of malicious intentions, careless behaviours, or insensitive remarks of others; or of my own unrealistic expectations, potential mis-interpretations, or deeply-seated insecurities that got provoked and amplified?”. There may be intricate shades of grays in our emotional blockages, and it helps us to heal by unpacking the nuances of the different shades.
If self-healing is the ultimate end, then self-care is the means paving the way to achieve that end. Society generally does not encourage holistic, organic, non-invasive, and slow-paced remedies. Allowing time and space for self-healing can therefore be a challenge, in that we may end up being too harsh on ourselves along the way. Ask ourselves gently here: “How exactly do I feel at this moment? Do I feel mis-treated or mis-understood? Do I feel like crying? Do I need support from a trusted friend? Do I need more time to get over the sorrow or regret?”. Allowing is not a symbol of giving in, but the very manifestation of authenticity.
Finally, a reasonable level of self-reflection on our own pride and prejudice is beneficial to our wellbeing. Ask ourselves the tough questions: “Have I intentionally or unintentionally hurt others? Did I do it out of anger, frustration, humiliation, jealousy, revenge, ego, unmet needs, or unsatisfied desires? Have I thought about how others may feel then and now? Will I be able to confess, apologize, or take the initiative to (re)extend my hands to them?”. At the end of the day, it takes two to tango, doesn’t it?
May your tango scars get healed with love, care, and peace…
Casa Lemonie 